Dec 31, 2009 The last day of the year....

As I think back on this last year, I reflect on all that I have gone through and all that has happened......It's been a wild ride for sure. In some ways, it almost seems unreal, this last year, and in some ways it feels like the most real year of my life. I think of all that I am ready to let go of, and all that I am ready to open myself up to recieving for 2010. I am ready to let go of fear....the fear of having cancer again. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of failure. The fear of not living my dreams and the fear of living them too! We all live with so much fear almost on a daily basis and I don't want to live that life. I am ready to let go of judgement. Judgement of myself and judgement of others. Judgement of whether I am doing the right thing in this moment. Judgement of my body and what I think it SHOULD look like right now. Judgement of my emotions and how I am SUPPOST to feel right now. I let go of judgement of how others as well.

I am ready for a shift in awareness and a shift in living. I am ready to be healthy and to act healthier in my decisions and choices. I am ready to let love in, for myself, for others, and to be loved as well! I am ready to allow my finances to be healthy, my work to be fulfilling, and my life to hold meaning. I am ready to value myself and my decisions and know I have the freedom to be who I really am....and who I am is wonderful and perfect The freedom to inspire myself and others....and to also be inspired by those around me. This year, I allow myself to be fully human and to allow others that gift as well. I allow myself to cry without pride, to laugh without worry, and to empathize without fear.

This is a whole new year, a whole new adventure, a whole new opening and stretching. Welcome 2010!! So glad to meet you!

Dec 8, 2009

As this year is coming quickly to a close, I am reminded of so much good that is a part of my life. I realize easily that I have so much while others around the world have so little, and for that I feel very blessed. This year has been one of the biggest gifts of my life. I've learned and remembered much. Whithout going through breast cancer I wonder where I would be standing today. What kind of a person would I be.....what decisions would I be making differently? I am making better decisions today and that's priceless for me. I am seeing my life differently and moving forward with things that are important to me and that also is most valuable. Today, I am grateful for so much! I hope we can all remember how much good we have in our lives the next time we start to complaint about something that we aren't happy over.....let's take a moment and look at the good we have all around us! Let's let go of the small stuff that only takes our energy away and let's remember to have gratitude for all the wonder and magic that our lives give us everyday!!!

Dec 6, 2009

Seems like there would be a feeling of elation at the end of cancer treatments, not sure that was what I was feeling or am now. I think to think there is an end to cancer is a myth. I felt like I would be done with cancer after my radiation ended, but now I realize that there is not "end" really to cancer. Now my mind is caught up with "is this the end, or am I going to go through this again sometime in my life?" I've had an extremely hard time taking the tamoxifen drug that I am supposed to be on for the next 5 years. This is a drug that stops my body from producing estrogen, therefore keeping me from having cancer again, since my cancer was an estrogen positive cancer. I started having signs of menopause, and let me tell you how crazy that was. I've since stopped taking the drug, to now be plagued with thoughts of reoccurring cancer. I couldn't sleep at night, started having hot flashes, felt like an emotional monster.... were just a few among the fun filled moments.

I had an amazing year and in some ways miss the love and support that felt while going through cancer. I miss my freedom and yearn for the days that my time was my own. I am back to my normal life and have quickly realized that I was not happy doing what I have been doing for so many years. I know that my spirit needs to be the guiding source in my life. I dreamof going back to feeling that feeling of knowing that I am taken care of, that there is nothing for me to worry about ever. Now having felt life moving in that carefree way, I am determined to have it again and to let go of trying to make life what I think it should be. I have to surrender and allow source to take care of me again and to follow my heart and let go of what my mind is telling me.

This is the only way for me to live my life. I have some ideas for a business that I want to pursue and going back to school next month, both give me energy to move forward. I look forward to a day very soon that I can, with love, say good-bye to what is the focus on my life right at this moment. I see that I am no longer the Jamie that I was 8-9 months ago and I am living a life of magic. A life that few people can really understand or process. I'm OK with that. I am a very different and unique person and I came here to this experience knowing that and actually choosing that for myself. So, with that knowledge I get to do life in different ways....with magic!!

Today, my reminder is "Live Magically". Let magic happen!