Dec 6, 2009

Seems like there would be a feeling of elation at the end of cancer treatments, not sure that was what I was feeling or am now. I think to think there is an end to cancer is a myth. I felt like I would be done with cancer after my radiation ended, but now I realize that there is not "end" really to cancer. Now my mind is caught up with "is this the end, or am I going to go through this again sometime in my life?" I've had an extremely hard time taking the tamoxifen drug that I am supposed to be on for the next 5 years. This is a drug that stops my body from producing estrogen, therefore keeping me from having cancer again, since my cancer was an estrogen positive cancer. I started having signs of menopause, and let me tell you how crazy that was. I've since stopped taking the drug, to now be plagued with thoughts of reoccurring cancer. I couldn't sleep at night, started having hot flashes, felt like an emotional monster.... were just a few among the fun filled moments.

I had an amazing year and in some ways miss the love and support that felt while going through cancer. I miss my freedom and yearn for the days that my time was my own. I am back to my normal life and have quickly realized that I was not happy doing what I have been doing for so many years. I know that my spirit needs to be the guiding source in my life. I dreamof going back to feeling that feeling of knowing that I am taken care of, that there is nothing for me to worry about ever. Now having felt life moving in that carefree way, I am determined to have it again and to let go of trying to make life what I think it should be. I have to surrender and allow source to take care of me again and to follow my heart and let go of what my mind is telling me.

This is the only way for me to live my life. I have some ideas for a business that I want to pursue and going back to school next month, both give me energy to move forward. I look forward to a day very soon that I can, with love, say good-bye to what is the focus on my life right at this moment. I see that I am no longer the Jamie that I was 8-9 months ago and I am living a life of magic. A life that few people can really understand or process. I'm OK with that. I am a very different and unique person and I came here to this experience knowing that and actually choosing that for myself. So, with that knowledge I get to do life in different ways....with magic!!

Today, my reminder is "Live Magically". Let magic happen!