Nov 10, 2009

It's been some time since I've been on here. Alot has happened in this last month. I finished radiation almost 2 weeks ago and am thrilled to be done with that part of this journey. My skin became very bad and it's hard to explain to other's how that felt or even what it looked like. This was a proccess that I did on my own, everyday, 5 days a weeks. I went everyday to the Machine, the radiation machine. I stripped down from the waist up and layed there while getting what is similiar to an x-ray on both of my breast, my ches and including both armpits. My skin at first just looked like a sunburn, but by the end of the 5 week it started turning black and became very painful. At the end of the 6th week, I started blistering in specific areas...under both armpits and under each breast. It became very painful and I opted to go back on pain pills. Sleeping and movement was horrible and became more than just an annoyance, it really hurt.

I've never been a pill advoate in any part of my life, up until cancer. My first biopsy, I tried it without any medication other than the numbing shot in the breast. I learned very quickly what a HUGE mistake that was.....The second time, I went with the maximun amount that I could have and it was much, much better. I've decided that there is a place and situation for medication on a temporary basis......It's when it's used to cover up issues not being dealt with that I'm not in allignment with. But sitting in pain day in and day out affected every aspect of my life.

One of the biggest thing that I learned from this proccess is that we NEVER know how we will feel, act or decide until we are in a situation. We have no place to offer judgement on others and what they are going through....we cannot know until we have gone through that ourselves. We have to let others decide for themselve and do what they need to do for follow their own journey. We can only do what is right for ourselves and move forward in those decisions.

I've also come to learn that when it come to the people in our lives it's about actions not words. And that has brought me to my own words and are they in allignment with my actions. I've worked very hard to make them both match. It's really hard for me to be around someone whose words never match their actions. I've changed a lot of friendships during this proccess and have met some wonderful people and friends.

Coming to the end of this journey, or rather the begining of another journey, came with alot of unexpected emotions. I thought I would feel this euphoria of joy on my last day of radiation and ready to go out and celebrate and what I felt was entirely different than that. I felt like I had hit a brick wall driving 89 mph. And I felt very lost....Now What???? Well, transition is often not what we think it will be, nor do we feel how we thought we would feel, but now I can say I'm getting my mojo back and looking forward to what is next. I know for sure that school is next in Jan. and until then, I guess I get to sit back and enjoy the time I have without having cancer and without daily hospital visits and without the worry of "am I going to be ok?" Because Now I know for sure that I am ok and I will continue to be ok and even more than ok, MAGNIFICIENT!!! Thanks for following along.......Peace and Love!

Jamie Lish