Oct 11, 2009

I've given my life a lot of thought today, well everyday really, some days just more than others. I am going into my 5th week of radiation and my side effects are starting to become more apparent.. My skin is horrible and I am afraid that I will have scarring! My chest is red, bumpy and inflamed along with both breasts. The only upside to radiation, beside keeping cancer away, is no armpit hair growth!!! Haven't had to shave in over a week and not a single hair in sight!! So nice....Now that's gotta be worth a hundred grand!!! Seems 6 1/2 weeks of radiation runs about that much these days!! Whew!! Worth saving my life if you ask me!

I am noticabley tired a lot of the time. But, I only have to endure another 2 1/2 weeks and then I am on to better things....like what, I'm not entirely sure, but good things. This week I got a call to live in a house and only pay utilities. The house is huge and it's a great situation for me right now. I have a back yard with a duck pond and several ducks and geese live there....Probable not the geese as they are just passing through. Jack loves all beings in life and he is very content to just watch them.....not many dogs could do that when they are about 10 feet away from him. He is an angel!!

I feel good overall. I have to say that I am doing far better than I had anticipated doing with radiation. My energy is usually decent and I feel fine in the big picture. I am quit excited to get to bed tonight, so I will write more later. I'm going to bed to dreams about the possibilities of my future!! So much to dream about!!! I hope people remember to dream each day....sometimes we get caught up in life and forget to think about what we really want for ourselves and then we get stuck in the same spot forgetting the possibilities that are just waiting for us to become aware of, so they can manifest into our lives!! I've had an incredible 6 months on manifesting everything that I have needed during this time....It's truly been such an amazing time in that way.

I am a better person for going through this experience!! I am grateful for that!

Sept 29, 2009

I haven't been in here for awhile.... Had so much on my plate. Had my LAST surgery and then spent a lot of time recovering and just doing nothing. I've decided that it feels good for awhile to do nothing, but then my body starts to hurt from no movement! It's better for me to keep moving and to be active....and it's good fo rmy mind too! Too much time is bad for the brain....or at least my brain~!

So I'm into my 3rd week of radiation and I'm am feeling very lobster-esque. My entire chest is bright red and full of heat. Since I had cancer on both sides I am getting a double whammy of radiation. It's a very simple proccess while it's happening, (exactly like an x-ray) but afterwards the reddness is epic. Plus, now it's not going away and I'm told will take months to return to normal....

Other than that, my life is somewhat normal. I'm not back to work yet, but thinking I could go back one day a week...I need the stimulation and the company!!!

Not much else to say....haven't felt entirely inspired. I think I've felt a letdown after all the waiting and wondering and now that I've arrived it's left me in a place of nothing else to wonder about right now......It's easier and yet not as gratifying as having to stay in a place of hope and trust!!! Going to bed now....Radiation adds a layer of tiredness that isn't relieved by napping or sleeping....it's bone tiredness! But going to try and sleep it off anyway!!

:)

Sept 22, 2009

Wow, today was a great day, but just got bombarded with a wave of tireness. It's my second week of radiation and I feel fine, but have these moments of just being tired. Going to have a nap!

BTW Addendum to Sept. 15, 2009

BTW, I don't believe that there is such a thing as a "small" surgery anymore..... they're all hard, invasive, tramatic and always leaves traces in the form of scars and pain on our bodies of that time that our minds don't remember....

but our bodies do!

Sept.. 15, 2009

Still not feeling up to life right now....I'm hoping it will be better each day. I feel run down, tired since last surgery. I am resting and trying to let it be ok, when feeling like I want it to be something else.....healthy, full of vibrant energy.

Being like the river and letting it run it's course, not fighting it, just being and going with it.....

Working on it each day! Not so easy when life wants to be lived and enjoyed. I guess thats the beauty of learning surrender....we don't have to make it be a certain way for things to be ok. It is what it is!

Sept 13, 2009 Sunday

Feeling poopy! Four surgeries in 4 months has taken it's toll on me. I am tired and not bouncing back as fast as I have before. At least it's my last one. I want to wake up feeling better tomorrow and better the day after that! I also start radiation tomorrow and then I am going to rest and get feeling healthier before that starts to take it's toll too!! Geeze! What a year!

I am going to bed now and setting that as my intention to wake up to! Good night!

Sept 8, 2009 Pre-surgery day.

I always get a case of the nerves before surgery, no matter how small it is. Tomorrow, I get my port taken out!! Can't wait for that! But, I am a very edgy person right now. I've had a lot of pain with it, because scar tissue has grown around it and someties when I move my left arm wrong, it will pull that tissue loose and cause it to tear, which in turn hurts like hell!!! It has really been hurting me and I will be very glad to not have an alien plastic part in my body anymore. Even more happy and grateful that I didn't need it in the first place. 4 surgeries now, when I could have had one and been done with that phase...... Don't even get me started on that!

Other than that, just living life day to day. It's hard to make plans for the future right now, but I at least know that I have the opportunity to at least make plans! That is thrilling, when I know so many wonderful, beautiful women never made it to that point when diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I am a lucky one and I am very aware of that priviledge. I've seen women in the Dr.'s offices that have had full mastectomies, or one breast removed and I think that what I've gone through is so far less than what these beautiful, strong women have gone through. To lose that part of us that is so female..... That part that we so identify ourselves with. That would be incredible hard for me. My respect and honor are very high for these couragous women!

I'll be back, to quote the Terminator, In a few days to write more, when I am over surgery!

xoxoxo