Feb 11, 2009 Happy Valentine's Day to me!!

I remember very vividly, one of my Dr.s last year told me, at the begining of my cancer journey, that the best thing I could do for my health and myself, was to find a good man and fall in love! Well, I finally did!! I got to visit her last week and tell her the good news and she was ecstatic!!!!

His name is Robert S. and he's Australian! I didn't know until the moment that I knew, that he was exactly what I wanted in a man. By that, I mean, that sometimes I think we don't know what we want until it's in front of our face and then it's like an Oprah Aha moment and we suddenly just know. I've had moments in life where I just knew what I knew and there's no rhyme or reason for that knowing, I just knew what I knew, and I was always right.

I knew that I wanted a good man, and that was worth holding out for. What I just realized recently is that I want to have a bi-cultural life. Living abroad has always been a long-time dream and I suddenly realized that's the life I want, and he's the life I want. He's sweet, kind, generous, smart and loves me too! He's handsome, sexy, and has a wonderful Aussie accent and is very passionate!!! We're talking marriage and a future together!! This year, I have a Valentine!! I'm only sorry here's about 15,000 miles away.....:(

Love is truly what makes the world go around!!!

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Jan 30, 2010

Today I got a very swift kick in the butt of a remineder that I just went through cancer and I need to be much more gentle on myself. I've tried to just right back into life and it's hurting and full of resistance and hard. Today, I get to remember that play is more important than work, and that I am not meant to live my life the way most people live their lives and that's OK. I get to remember that life isn't meant to be hard and more work than play. I forgot and what happened is that my body started hurting. My thoughts started to become rigid. My emotions started to bottle up and stay stuck. I came here knowing that I am not anyone but myself, and in that knowledge comes the freedom of living my life the way I need to live it and not the way anyone else needs to live theirs! Whew.....I feel like I just took a very big weight off my shoulders by just saying that. I get to me and it's my choice to embrace me or not and when I don't things start to get stuck and forceful and I don't like living that way!

So in today is a new day, I get to start remembering that my spirit and Divine Creator are the most important relationships that I can work on, everything and everyone else, gets to be second, and will work out just fine if I am prioritizing what's most important to me.

I JUST WENT THROUGH A YEAR OF CANCER AND IT'S OK FOR ME TO LIVE LIFE IN A MORE GENTLE AND LOVING WAY!! That was my own reminder! Thanks Cheryl for helping me out of that one.....:)

Dec 31, 2009 The last day of the year....

As I think back on this last year, I reflect on all that I have gone through and all that has happened......It's been a wild ride for sure. In some ways, it almost seems unreal, this last year, and in some ways it feels like the most real year of my life. I think of all that I am ready to let go of, and all that I am ready to open myself up to recieving for 2010. I am ready to let go of fear....the fear of having cancer again. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of failure. The fear of not living my dreams and the fear of living them too! We all live with so much fear almost on a daily basis and I don't want to live that life. I am ready to let go of judgement. Judgement of myself and judgement of others. Judgement of whether I am doing the right thing in this moment. Judgement of my body and what I think it SHOULD look like right now. Judgement of my emotions and how I am SUPPOST to feel right now. I let go of judgement of how others as well.

I am ready for a shift in awareness and a shift in living. I am ready to be healthy and to act healthier in my decisions and choices. I am ready to let love in, for myself, for others, and to be loved as well! I am ready to allow my finances to be healthy, my work to be fulfilling, and my life to hold meaning. I am ready to value myself and my decisions and know I have the freedom to be who I really am....and who I am is wonderful and perfect The freedom to inspire myself and others....and to also be inspired by those around me. This year, I allow myself to be fully human and to allow others that gift as well. I allow myself to cry without pride, to laugh without worry, and to empathize without fear.

This is a whole new year, a whole new adventure, a whole new opening and stretching. Welcome 2010!! So glad to meet you!

Dec 8, 2009

As this year is coming quickly to a close, I am reminded of so much good that is a part of my life. I realize easily that I have so much while others around the world have so little, and for that I feel very blessed. This year has been one of the biggest gifts of my life. I've learned and remembered much. Whithout going through breast cancer I wonder where I would be standing today. What kind of a person would I be.....what decisions would I be making differently? I am making better decisions today and that's priceless for me. I am seeing my life differently and moving forward with things that are important to me and that also is most valuable. Today, I am grateful for so much! I hope we can all remember how much good we have in our lives the next time we start to complaint about something that we aren't happy over.....let's take a moment and look at the good we have all around us! Let's let go of the small stuff that only takes our energy away and let's remember to have gratitude for all the wonder and magic that our lives give us everyday!!!

Dec 6, 2009

Seems like there would be a feeling of elation at the end of cancer treatments, not sure that was what I was feeling or am now. I think to think there is an end to cancer is a myth. I felt like I would be done with cancer after my radiation ended, but now I realize that there is not "end" really to cancer. Now my mind is caught up with "is this the end, or am I going to go through this again sometime in my life?" I've had an extremely hard time taking the tamoxifen drug that I am supposed to be on for the next 5 years. This is a drug that stops my body from producing estrogen, therefore keeping me from having cancer again, since my cancer was an estrogen positive cancer. I started having signs of menopause, and let me tell you how crazy that was. I've since stopped taking the drug, to now be plagued with thoughts of reoccurring cancer. I couldn't sleep at night, started having hot flashes, felt like an emotional monster.... were just a few among the fun filled moments.

I had an amazing year and in some ways miss the love and support that felt while going through cancer. I miss my freedom and yearn for the days that my time was my own. I am back to my normal life and have quickly realized that I was not happy doing what I have been doing for so many years. I know that my spirit needs to be the guiding source in my life. I dreamof going back to feeling that feeling of knowing that I am taken care of, that there is nothing for me to worry about ever. Now having felt life moving in that carefree way, I am determined to have it again and to let go of trying to make life what I think it should be. I have to surrender and allow source to take care of me again and to follow my heart and let go of what my mind is telling me.

This is the only way for me to live my life. I have some ideas for a business that I want to pursue and going back to school next month, both give me energy to move forward. I look forward to a day very soon that I can, with love, say good-bye to what is the focus on my life right at this moment. I see that I am no longer the Jamie that I was 8-9 months ago and I am living a life of magic. A life that few people can really understand or process. I'm OK with that. I am a very different and unique person and I came here to this experience knowing that and actually choosing that for myself. So, with that knowledge I get to do life in different ways....with magic!!

Today, my reminder is "Live Magically". Let magic happen!

Nov 10, 2009

It's been some time since I've been on here. Alot has happened in this last month. I finished radiation almost 2 weeks ago and am thrilled to be done with that part of this journey. My skin became very bad and it's hard to explain to other's how that felt or even what it looked like. This was a proccess that I did on my own, everyday, 5 days a weeks. I went everyday to the Machine, the radiation machine. I stripped down from the waist up and layed there while getting what is similiar to an x-ray on both of my breast, my ches and including both armpits. My skin at first just looked like a sunburn, but by the end of the 5 week it started turning black and became very painful. At the end of the 6th week, I started blistering in specific areas...under both armpits and under each breast. It became very painful and I opted to go back on pain pills. Sleeping and movement was horrible and became more than just an annoyance, it really hurt.

I've never been a pill advoate in any part of my life, up until cancer. My first biopsy, I tried it without any medication other than the numbing shot in the breast. I learned very quickly what a HUGE mistake that was.....The second time, I went with the maximun amount that I could have and it was much, much better. I've decided that there is a place and situation for medication on a temporary basis......It's when it's used to cover up issues not being dealt with that I'm not in allignment with. But sitting in pain day in and day out affected every aspect of my life.

One of the biggest thing that I learned from this proccess is that we NEVER know how we will feel, act or decide until we are in a situation. We have no place to offer judgement on others and what they are going through....we cannot know until we have gone through that ourselves. We have to let others decide for themselve and do what they need to do for follow their own journey. We can only do what is right for ourselves and move forward in those decisions.

I've also come to learn that when it come to the people in our lives it's about actions not words. And that has brought me to my own words and are they in allignment with my actions. I've worked very hard to make them both match. It's really hard for me to be around someone whose words never match their actions. I've changed a lot of friendships during this proccess and have met some wonderful people and friends.

Coming to the end of this journey, or rather the begining of another journey, came with alot of unexpected emotions. I thought I would feel this euphoria of joy on my last day of radiation and ready to go out and celebrate and what I felt was entirely different than that. I felt like I had hit a brick wall driving 89 mph. And I felt very lost....Now What???? Well, transition is often not what we think it will be, nor do we feel how we thought we would feel, but now I can say I'm getting my mojo back and looking forward to what is next. I know for sure that school is next in Jan. and until then, I guess I get to sit back and enjoy the time I have without having cancer and without daily hospital visits and without the worry of "am I going to be ok?" Because Now I know for sure that I am ok and I will continue to be ok and even more than ok, MAGNIFICIENT!!! Thanks for following along.......Peace and Love!

Jamie Lish

Oct 11, 2009

I've given my life a lot of thought today, well everyday really, some days just more than others. I am going into my 5th week of radiation and my side effects are starting to become more apparent.. My skin is horrible and I am afraid that I will have scarring! My chest is red, bumpy and inflamed along with both breasts. The only upside to radiation, beside keeping cancer away, is no armpit hair growth!!! Haven't had to shave in over a week and not a single hair in sight!! So nice....Now that's gotta be worth a hundred grand!!! Seems 6 1/2 weeks of radiation runs about that much these days!! Whew!! Worth saving my life if you ask me!

I am noticabley tired a lot of the time. But, I only have to endure another 2 1/2 weeks and then I am on to better things....like what, I'm not entirely sure, but good things. This week I got a call to live in a house and only pay utilities. The house is huge and it's a great situation for me right now. I have a back yard with a duck pond and several ducks and geese live there....Probable not the geese as they are just passing through. Jack loves all beings in life and he is very content to just watch them.....not many dogs could do that when they are about 10 feet away from him. He is an angel!!

I feel good overall. I have to say that I am doing far better than I had anticipated doing with radiation. My energy is usually decent and I feel fine in the big picture. I am quit excited to get to bed tonight, so I will write more later. I'm going to bed to dreams about the possibilities of my future!! So much to dream about!!! I hope people remember to dream each day....sometimes we get caught up in life and forget to think about what we really want for ourselves and then we get stuck in the same spot forgetting the possibilities that are just waiting for us to become aware of, so they can manifest into our lives!! I've had an incredible 6 months on manifesting everything that I have needed during this time....It's truly been such an amazing time in that way.

I am a better person for going through this experience!! I am grateful for that!

Sept 29, 2009

I haven't been in here for awhile.... Had so much on my plate. Had my LAST surgery and then spent a lot of time recovering and just doing nothing. I've decided that it feels good for awhile to do nothing, but then my body starts to hurt from no movement! It's better for me to keep moving and to be active....and it's good fo rmy mind too! Too much time is bad for the brain....or at least my brain~!

So I'm into my 3rd week of radiation and I'm am feeling very lobster-esque. My entire chest is bright red and full of heat. Since I had cancer on both sides I am getting a double whammy of radiation. It's a very simple proccess while it's happening, (exactly like an x-ray) but afterwards the reddness is epic. Plus, now it's not going away and I'm told will take months to return to normal....

Other than that, my life is somewhat normal. I'm not back to work yet, but thinking I could go back one day a week...I need the stimulation and the company!!!

Not much else to say....haven't felt entirely inspired. I think I've felt a letdown after all the waiting and wondering and now that I've arrived it's left me in a place of nothing else to wonder about right now......It's easier and yet not as gratifying as having to stay in a place of hope and trust!!! Going to bed now....Radiation adds a layer of tiredness that isn't relieved by napping or sleeping....it's bone tiredness! But going to try and sleep it off anyway!!

:)

Sept 22, 2009

Wow, today was a great day, but just got bombarded with a wave of tireness. It's my second week of radiation and I feel fine, but have these moments of just being tired. Going to have a nap!

BTW Addendum to Sept. 15, 2009

BTW, I don't believe that there is such a thing as a "small" surgery anymore..... they're all hard, invasive, tramatic and always leaves traces in the form of scars and pain on our bodies of that time that our minds don't remember....

but our bodies do!

Sept.. 15, 2009

Still not feeling up to life right now....I'm hoping it will be better each day. I feel run down, tired since last surgery. I am resting and trying to let it be ok, when feeling like I want it to be something else.....healthy, full of vibrant energy.

Being like the river and letting it run it's course, not fighting it, just being and going with it.....

Working on it each day! Not so easy when life wants to be lived and enjoyed. I guess thats the beauty of learning surrender....we don't have to make it be a certain way for things to be ok. It is what it is!

Sept 13, 2009 Sunday

Feeling poopy! Four surgeries in 4 months has taken it's toll on me. I am tired and not bouncing back as fast as I have before. At least it's my last one. I want to wake up feeling better tomorrow and better the day after that! I also start radiation tomorrow and then I am going to rest and get feeling healthier before that starts to take it's toll too!! Geeze! What a year!

I am going to bed now and setting that as my intention to wake up to! Good night!

Sept 8, 2009 Pre-surgery day.

I always get a case of the nerves before surgery, no matter how small it is. Tomorrow, I get my port taken out!! Can't wait for that! But, I am a very edgy person right now. I've had a lot of pain with it, because scar tissue has grown around it and someties when I move my left arm wrong, it will pull that tissue loose and cause it to tear, which in turn hurts like hell!!! It has really been hurting me and I will be very glad to not have an alien plastic part in my body anymore. Even more happy and grateful that I didn't need it in the first place. 4 surgeries now, when I could have had one and been done with that phase...... Don't even get me started on that!

Other than that, just living life day to day. It's hard to make plans for the future right now, but I at least know that I have the opportunity to at least make plans! That is thrilling, when I know so many wonderful, beautiful women never made it to that point when diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I am a lucky one and I am very aware of that priviledge. I've seen women in the Dr.'s offices that have had full mastectomies, or one breast removed and I think that what I've gone through is so far less than what these beautiful, strong women have gone through. To lose that part of us that is so female..... That part that we so identify ourselves with. That would be incredible hard for me. My respect and honor are very high for these couragous women!

I'll be back, to quote the Terminator, In a few days to write more, when I am over surgery!

xoxoxo

Sept 5, 2009

I always like to think of myself as always strong and tough, which most of the time I am. But today I am just down. It's a long proccess of getting to where I've gotten today, and today I'm just tired. I see light at the end of the tunnel, which is priceless. I see how far I've walked on this journey and I have to let myself have down days..... and today is one of them. I work hard to keep my spirit up and keep myself in a positive mental space, but today I just have to let myself lay around and rest and be grateful for all the good in my life and know that it's only temporary. Everyday is only temporary, not matter how I feel.....The good, the bad and the ugly!! And in the end, none of it is that serious anyway!!

So tomorrow, I may have more energy, I may not, but tomorrow I'll deal with how I feel then and only then, and today I'll deal with how I feel today. So zen, huh!? LOL!

Sept 2, 2009

Today I got some new tattoos...... Not the kind that most people get, but boob tattoos for radiation. For such a small freckle sized spot, they sure did hurt! This has been my week to think about my life from the end up to now. A few days ago, I thought, "when I'm 80 or 90 what will I look back on and regret not doing?". I don't think of regrets of things that I've done, I look at them from the things that I haven't done. Finishing school was the biggest one that came to me. I have somewhere around 70 credits and no degree. So, I applied to BSU and transfered everything here for Jan 2010.

The next thing that I thought I would regret was not having a child. Now, right now there isn't much I can do about that, but it was something to think about. I think I can work to inspire children and help them believe in themselves and that they are powerful and creative beings.

I want to live a wild and carefree life and not look back and know that I kept a job that I didn't love. I want to know that I didn't live on the sidelines looking in at the players playing the game. I want to be a player and play in the game, no more sidelines for me. I want to know that I lived and thought big! Life is too short to remain small and think of ourselves as small. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to travel and meet wonderful people everyday! I want to do things outside of the box and learn something new at every opportunity. I want to learn to tolerate others no matter their political or religous belief. I want to love unconditional, myself and others. I want to eat wonderful food and have moments that are remembered for a lifetime. I want to be who I truly am and not work so hard to impress others, especially those that don't mean so much to me. I want to love without fear. Dance like there's no tomorrow. I want to Feel the freedom that is a life without fear and it rooted only in love!! I want a meaningful life. To paint and write books and enjoy every single day for the gift that it truly is!!

This only a glimpse of the magical and wonderous life that I am living and to quote Oprah, "living your best life". What else can there really be anyway???

Sept. 2, 2009

Wow! So much time passes so quickly! It's already Sept., almost Labor Day weekend. I have news about my Oncotype DX test, which is basically a test putting me in a low, mediun, or high catagory for reoccurance of breast cancer! Well, I am thrilled and pleased to say that I came back in the low catagory, which also means that chemotherapy will not benefit me!! Couldn't be happier about this news!!! So, tomorrow I meet with my radiologist and get set up for starting radiation. Once again, I am so blessed. I have more to tell, but I'll be back shortly. That is the big news for now..... take care!!

August 27, 2009

If you can actually believe it, I am still on hold! Or still waiting for test results.....love the technology, but hate the waiting....So to fill my time I have been having a wonderful time! I have seen music the last 2 nights and am going again tonight to see the Mother Hips. Xavier Rudd was on Tuesday and it was one of the best nights I've had in a long time. I danced till I was sweaty and tired!! He touched my hand too! So exciting. Not much new on the cancer channel. I am officially cancer free, which is a huge blessing! I've made a list of what I want next in life and the goals that I have set for myself. It feels good to be creating with intention. I know we are always creating, but sometimes not exactly what we want. I think the world is indeed my oyster and I'm about to crack it open!! Life is a mystery and I never know from day to day what to expect, but I do know that I have the power to decide how to handle what comes up, and today I choose to make it an amazing day and to be happy!

Now, Universe how about a hot, wonderful man!! Til next time....

Full of hope....

Still waiting! I'm hoping today is the day! I have not much to say about anything right now. Just want to know what's next! Still full of hope.....

August 18, 2009

Still in wait mode. But at least having some fun in the meantime..... Learning to be in the moment and not go too far in the future. Some days it's easy and some days not so much. I would like to see some light at the end of the tunnel..... but right now it feels a ways off! SO today, I enjoy today and do as much as I can that feels good. I see friends and I make sure that I connect with those that I love. Really, everyday is a gift. I used to hear that and agree, now I hear that and I know that I'm living it. So important!

Tomorrow is a new day, with new people, new experiences. SO glad that I've had this kick in the bottom to wake me up and give a reminder that life is meant to be lived, not watched on the sidelines hoping to get int the game soon. I've lived most of my life that way.... thanks God, I get to do things different now! I think of that movie "The Yes Man" and I was that guy, except Im a girl. I constantly said no to everything, now I am the Yes Girl!!! Today I spent time with my pretend bf, John, had sushi, went to happy hour, painted, had lunch with my beautiful friend Chris and shopped with my sis Nettie. All in all a good day!! I loved today and I love! Thank you!

Well, life is funny!! Take someone like me with no patience to begin with and put their life on hold and make them wait for 5 months to see what's next!! Welcome to my world!! I'm still in limbo waiting to get a test result back that will tell me if I will honestly benefit from chemo. It's a mear $3,400.00 test. My new Doc got it aid for by insurance..... bless him!!!! I fall into a special catagory that makes it unclear if chemo will add any advantage to my situation! Honestly, I hope that it shows it wouldn't be of benefit! I'm ready to hit radiation and get back to my life!! Whatever that will be next....

I will have answers late this week or early next week! As of today, I know that I am on borrowed time for fun and summer...... so everyday I keep living and enjoying my free time, knowing that at some point it will come to an end. Today I took Jack for a walk, swam at the Y with Mary, who helps me with movement and restoring arm flexibility, got a message, got my eyes checked, came home and read. Liife is good while I am on this journey! I am allowing everyday to be what it is and I gowith the flow. A good reminder for me that life has a mind of it's own and we can go with it or fight it! I'm in the flow and it's going well!! xoxoxo Jamie