I haven't been in here for awhile.... Had so much on my plate. Had my LAST surgery and then spent a lot of time recovering and just doing nothing. I've decided that it feels good for awhile to do nothing, but then my body starts to hurt from no movement! It's better for me to keep moving and to be active....and it's good fo rmy mind too! Too much time is bad for the brain....or at least my brain~!
So I'm into my 3rd week of radiation and I'm am feeling very lobster-esque. My entire chest is bright red and full of heat. Since I had cancer on both sides I am getting a double whammy of radiation. It's a very simple proccess while it's happening, (exactly like an x-ray) but afterwards the reddness is epic. Plus, now it's not going away and I'm told will take months to return to normal....
Other than that, my life is somewhat normal. I'm not back to work yet, but thinking I could go back one day a week...I need the stimulation and the company!!!
Not much else to say....haven't felt entirely inspired. I think I've felt a letdown after all the waiting and wondering and now that I've arrived it's left me in a place of nothing else to wonder about right now......It's easier and yet not as gratifying as having to stay in a place of hope and trust!!! Going to bed now....Radiation adds a layer of tiredness that isn't relieved by napping or sleeping....it's bone tiredness! But going to try and sleep it off anyway!!
:)
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Sept 22, 2009
Wow, today was a great day, but just got bombarded with a wave of tireness. It's my second week of radiation and I feel fine, but have these moments of just being tired. Going to have a nap!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
BTW Addendum to Sept. 15, 2009
BTW, I don't believe that there is such a thing as a "small" surgery anymore..... they're all hard, invasive, tramatic and always leaves traces in the form of scars and pain on our bodies of that time that our minds don't remember....
but our bodies do!
but our bodies do!
Sept.. 15, 2009
Still not feeling up to life right now....I'm hoping it will be better each day. I feel run down, tired since last surgery. I am resting and trying to let it be ok, when feeling like I want it to be something else.....healthy, full of vibrant energy.
Being like the river and letting it run it's course, not fighting it, just being and going with it.....
Working on it each day! Not so easy when life wants to be lived and enjoyed. I guess thats the beauty of learning surrender....we don't have to make it be a certain way for things to be ok. It is what it is!
Being like the river and letting it run it's course, not fighting it, just being and going with it.....
Working on it each day! Not so easy when life wants to be lived and enjoyed. I guess thats the beauty of learning surrender....we don't have to make it be a certain way for things to be ok. It is what it is!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Sept 13, 2009 Sunday
Feeling poopy! Four surgeries in 4 months has taken it's toll on me. I am tired and not bouncing back as fast as I have before. At least it's my last one. I want to wake up feeling better tomorrow and better the day after that! I also start radiation tomorrow and then I am going to rest and get feeling healthier before that starts to take it's toll too!! Geeze! What a year!
I am going to bed now and setting that as my intention to wake up to! Good night!
I am going to bed now and setting that as my intention to wake up to! Good night!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Sept 8, 2009 Pre-surgery day.
I always get a case of the nerves before surgery, no matter how small it is. Tomorrow, I get my port taken out!! Can't wait for that! But, I am a very edgy person right now. I've had a lot of pain with it, because scar tissue has grown around it and someties when I move my left arm wrong, it will pull that tissue loose and cause it to tear, which in turn hurts like hell!!! It has really been hurting me and I will be very glad to not have an alien plastic part in my body anymore. Even more happy and grateful that I didn't need it in the first place. 4 surgeries now, when I could have had one and been done with that phase...... Don't even get me started on that!
Other than that, just living life day to day. It's hard to make plans for the future right now, but I at least know that I have the opportunity to at least make plans! That is thrilling, when I know so many wonderful, beautiful women never made it to that point when diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I am a lucky one and I am very aware of that priviledge. I've seen women in the Dr.'s offices that have had full mastectomies, or one breast removed and I think that what I've gone through is so far less than what these beautiful, strong women have gone through. To lose that part of us that is so female..... That part that we so identify ourselves with. That would be incredible hard for me. My respect and honor are very high for these couragous women!
I'll be back, to quote the Terminator, In a few days to write more, when I am over surgery!
xoxoxo
Other than that, just living life day to day. It's hard to make plans for the future right now, but I at least know that I have the opportunity to at least make plans! That is thrilling, when I know so many wonderful, beautiful women never made it to that point when diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I am a lucky one and I am very aware of that priviledge. I've seen women in the Dr.'s offices that have had full mastectomies, or one breast removed and I think that what I've gone through is so far less than what these beautiful, strong women have gone through. To lose that part of us that is so female..... That part that we so identify ourselves with. That would be incredible hard for me. My respect and honor are very high for these couragous women!
I'll be back, to quote the Terminator, In a few days to write more, when I am over surgery!
xoxoxo
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Sept 5, 2009
I always like to think of myself as always strong and tough, which most of the time I am. But today I am just down. It's a long proccess of getting to where I've gotten today, and today I'm just tired. I see light at the end of the tunnel, which is priceless. I see how far I've walked on this journey and I have to let myself have down days..... and today is one of them. I work hard to keep my spirit up and keep myself in a positive mental space, but today I just have to let myself lay around and rest and be grateful for all the good in my life and know that it's only temporary. Everyday is only temporary, not matter how I feel.....The good, the bad and the ugly!! And in the end, none of it is that serious anyway!!
So tomorrow, I may have more energy, I may not, but tomorrow I'll deal with how I feel then and only then, and today I'll deal with how I feel today. So zen, huh!? LOL!
So tomorrow, I may have more energy, I may not, but tomorrow I'll deal with how I feel then and only then, and today I'll deal with how I feel today. So zen, huh!? LOL!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Sept 2, 2009
Today I got some new tattoos...... Not the kind that most people get, but boob tattoos for radiation. For such a small freckle sized spot, they sure did hurt! This has been my week to think about my life from the end up to now. A few days ago, I thought, "when I'm 80 or 90 what will I look back on and regret not doing?". I don't think of regrets of things that I've done, I look at them from the things that I haven't done. Finishing school was the biggest one that came to me. I have somewhere around 70 credits and no degree. So, I applied to BSU and transfered everything here for Jan 2010.
The next thing that I thought I would regret was not having a child. Now, right now there isn't much I can do about that, but it was something to think about. I think I can work to inspire children and help them believe in themselves and that they are powerful and creative beings.
I want to live a wild and carefree life and not look back and know that I kept a job that I didn't love. I want to know that I didn't live on the sidelines looking in at the players playing the game. I want to be a player and play in the game, no more sidelines for me. I want to know that I lived and thought big! Life is too short to remain small and think of ourselves as small. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to travel and meet wonderful people everyday! I want to do things outside of the box and learn something new at every opportunity. I want to learn to tolerate others no matter their political or religous belief. I want to love unconditional, myself and others. I want to eat wonderful food and have moments that are remembered for a lifetime. I want to be who I truly am and not work so hard to impress others, especially those that don't mean so much to me. I want to love without fear. Dance like there's no tomorrow. I want to Feel the freedom that is a life without fear and it rooted only in love!! I want a meaningful life. To paint and write books and enjoy every single day for the gift that it truly is!!
This only a glimpse of the magical and wonderous life that I am living and to quote Oprah, "living your best life". What else can there really be anyway???
The next thing that I thought I would regret was not having a child. Now, right now there isn't much I can do about that, but it was something to think about. I think I can work to inspire children and help them believe in themselves and that they are powerful and creative beings.
I want to live a wild and carefree life and not look back and know that I kept a job that I didn't love. I want to know that I didn't live on the sidelines looking in at the players playing the game. I want to be a player and play in the game, no more sidelines for me. I want to know that I lived and thought big! Life is too short to remain small and think of ourselves as small. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to travel and meet wonderful people everyday! I want to do things outside of the box and learn something new at every opportunity. I want to learn to tolerate others no matter their political or religous belief. I want to love unconditional, myself and others. I want to eat wonderful food and have moments that are remembered for a lifetime. I want to be who I truly am and not work so hard to impress others, especially those that don't mean so much to me. I want to love without fear. Dance like there's no tomorrow. I want to Feel the freedom that is a life without fear and it rooted only in love!! I want a meaningful life. To paint and write books and enjoy every single day for the gift that it truly is!!
This only a glimpse of the magical and wonderous life that I am living and to quote Oprah, "living your best life". What else can there really be anyway???
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Sept. 2, 2009
Wow! So much time passes so quickly! It's already Sept., almost Labor Day weekend. I have news about my Oncotype DX test, which is basically a test putting me in a low, mediun, or high catagory for reoccurance of breast cancer! Well, I am thrilled and pleased to say that I came back in the low catagory, which also means that chemotherapy will not benefit me!! Couldn't be happier about this news!!! So, tomorrow I meet with my radiologist and get set up for starting radiation. Once again, I am so blessed. I have more to tell, but I'll be back shortly. That is the big news for now..... take care!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
