July 24, 2009 Shopping for Pink!!

Today, my awesome sister took me shopping for pink! A Pink dress for the benefit on Sunday! We had such an awesome time as sisters and I loved every minute of it! I will be very pink on Sunday! I have had a few days to proccess my pain and am in a better space. It helps that my body is also starting to feel better... my emotions and my physical health are very connected.

I read the other day a paragraph written by a women who had gone through cancer and she said there are two roads to take when someone goes through this journey, the first is the road to becoming a better person, to creating a better life, to doing better in life. The second is the road to bitterness. I know that in the begining I chose the first road and I may not always do things right, but I am willing to become better, to work through old emotions, old hurts, old habits. I am willing to get up each day and make the intention to become a better person, to be genuine and honest with my words and actions! I know that sometimes when I tell the truth I am not always as soft as I could be, but I am doing it the best way that I can right now, but I know that I am always willing to do it better and become better...... which is also to say that I am still human.

Somedays I am a little hard on myself for letting myself be angry! But anger is part of being human and without these emotions to tell us where we are in life, we would be robots, feeling nothing and never growing. I know I came here to grow, to learn, to expand and that is a huge part of what this cancer journey is all about! It's also about celebrating life everyday and seeing each moment as a gift. I have a much bigger zest for life than I did before and I am enjoying each day instead of taking it for granted and not making much of it!!

Overall, I am proud of myself for where I am in my life. For my past and for where it has brought me today! I hope to inspire others, but sometimes other's inpsire me, it's a give and take deal! Glad to be a part of it!!!

Post port surgery July 21-2009

Today, I feel a lot of anger because I hurt in my body! My port surgery went well, but I always think I will be back to normal the next day and I never am..... Geeze Jamie, it was surgery!! The 3rd in two months. My left upper chest is bruised and I now have two new incisions there. My body hurts from pain killers and anesthesia and from surgery. I am angry at certain people in my life for dropping me when I was diagnosed because they are "afraid" of breast cancer. Their fear is keeping them from being a part of my life and that hurts!! But the reality for me is that they weren't really there before this happened or they would still be here! There are the ones that want to come for a visit and dump on me their life Sh#t and I can't be the one to handle all of that right now. It's my job to handle my own stuff and my own life..... I am ruthless over who I will spend time with and if it seems like a dump day for someone I can't do it! I'm sorry for that! I havve to take care of me now....

I think I have such a good outlook on this whole picture and I do, but the truth is that I sometimes get pissed and angry! Like today! I don't like taking pain killers and I have a hard time when my body is in pain. I don't handle it well! I guess I better start finding ways to handle it because this is my life for the next 6 months.... right when I start feeling good another hit will come! How do I deal with this??

The good part is that this port will pay off in the long run and I won't have to go through IV's and needles. My veins won't collapse from the chemo..... Is this really my life today?? Somedays it still seems like a bad joke or a dream.... Today is one of those days! I know each day I will start feeling better and better and that's what I look forward to! Tomorrow is a new day and that I have to look forward to and now I will go burry my head into bed!

Port surgery July 20-2009

Going to the hopsital for my port surgery! Never that much fun, except most of the hospital people are the best!! I hope I get the same gal who has done my IV's before, she rocks!! She's ususally there on Mondays! I'll come home with a new "bump" in my chest..... It will be interesting, but will make life with needles so much better and easier.

Happy Monday all!

July 19th- 2009

Hi all! Just got back from jackson and am longing for the cool temps and cold nights!! Came home to the house being over 100, forgot to set the air! I had a fabulous time in Jackson and saw my very wonderful friends Vic and Chrissy, and a few others too. We had amazing food every night and fun drinks! It's seemingly my last hurrah before things get more serious, with the exception of the benefit next Sunday. Hope your all coming, it's going to be a blast!! That will be my last realy hurrah!

It's magical to be in the Tetons, I forget their magestic and mysterious power. I lived there for a very quick 9 months, but for the most part loved it. The extreme weather makes it hard to live there.... people adjust I guess! I did! It was important for me to spend time with people that I love so much. My friends Vic and Chrissy are the best in the world! I'm getting more and more ruthless with prioritizing who I spend time with. I will not give my time or energy to people I don't want to be with anymore. I've done it my whole life and now it's all different. Not one moment spent with someone I don't enjoy is ever worth it. I have learned how to say NO. It's cool!!

A couple of years ago I thought I had made my mantra "If it doesn't feel good, don't do it" but I found that I was still doing it, with work, with money, with my thougts, with people and with family. But now that I look back I realize I wasn't walking my talk.... I was just talking. But now I know I am walking my talk!! And it feels amazing and powerful! I am in the best space that I have ever been with myself and it's because I am having the wake-up call of a lifetime. Now, there is no question about doing things that I don't want to do anymore, it's no longer an option!! I love it!! Today, I am doing nothing that requires a schedule, maybe a trip to Fred Meyer and that's it!! I get to rest and be with me!!

Enjoy your Sunday! Remember life really is short! Live, laugh and have a blast while you can and don't spend time with people you really don't want to be with! It doesn't serve you or them! xoxox

Going to the Tetons!

Yea, tomorrow I am leaving for The Tetons for some camping and a mental break before the interesting stuff starts!!! I can't wait. I am visiting good friends and doing some camping. Just the mountain air, Jack and myself. Enjoy your weekend everyone!!

Thank God it's Friday! july 15th

Well, it's finally my Friday and what that means for me is this is the last day that I work at my job waiting tables. I relied on the restaraunt business for over 20 years and now I know that I am done. I have only worked about 5 shifts since my first surgery in mid May. Yesterday, I knew it was my last week. I didn't realize how unfulfilled I am at my work, and work without happiness or fulfillment is a HUGE taker of energy. I hopefully get to do some work with kids going through cancer this fall at the YMCA and that makes my heart do flipflops! I know and have been told many times even before cancer, that I would be good doing work like that!

I just know the end when it's here and with waiting tables, it's here!! I'm glad I've had that skill to rely on from time to time, but now I want more!

Tomorrow, I'm going to The Tetons for a short break before I start chemo at the end of this month. I feel like I'm trying to fit a whole summer into 1 month before treatments start. I know it's about the journey not the destination, really I do.... But Iwant to do things when I feel good and I have no ideea how I am going to feel later. Anyway, off to work! Have a beautiful day!!! Everyday is a choice to make it a good one, I choose tomake it awesome!!

Good news on the chemo channel!

Today I visited my oncologist for about the 4th time in the last 3 weeks..... I have many questions! As my normal curious self!! 3 months worth of chemo, but only 4 treatments!! I'm so thrilled, I'm beside myself!! From start to 4th treatment, only 9 weeks! With a month off and then 6 weeks of radiation! I may be done with this by Jan 1st! Hello 2010!!

I'm off to bed, tired from a long day, but a good one! I get to make everyday incredible now! And today was....It's not always about "big" moments but making every moment BIG! And I do think it's always a choice.... to be fully awake or somewhat asleep! Today I choose to be fully awake, to speak my truth, to stay in my power and to honor myself and those around me! Today I choose to keep my eyes and my heart open! To expand my mind and see that there isn't much right or wrong in people just different! That every moment is a new experience and a new chance to make a change if we don't like what we are, or what we see. I have to say I see everyday that I am the luckiest person I know right now! It rocks to be me!!

July 13, 2009 Monday!

Well, it's Monday, and I'm tired today. Not sure why, I'm in between surgery and starting chemo. I have felt good physically and grounded emotionally. Today I'm taking my great nieces to the river with Jack my dog. Then to the YMCA to work in the pool and then off to the Oncologist. I'm not awake yet.... Taking Xanex to sleep and I don't always wake up alert. I've never been a pill person, but I am now if it helps me sleep, sometimes you gotta do what you need to do.... Going without sleep is a recipe for a meltdown....emotions pile up and then blow! Gotta take Jack for a walk or he'll have a meltdown!!

Summertime

Today is July 12, 2009

Sunday is my day to no schedule anything and just have time to myself. After my first surgery I was in horror to see myself and the scars on my breasts.... It was not apretty picture by a long shot. Two moe scars under each armpit added to the dread of being single and thinking about being seen like this. At this time things have healed much better than I ever thought they would, but still there. As my beautiful friend Trina says, "scars are the story of your life" they tell you who you are and where you've been. I see it that way now. Thanks Trin-trin!!

The news was almost good with a little bad and that was that no cancer in the lymph area, but the right side did not meet the margins, meaning they didn't get it all and had to redo that side.... so another month goes by and another surgery. Today is almost a month after that 2nd surgery and the margins were good! At the end of July I will start chemo and am nervous and not at all sure what to expect. Everyone handles it their own way and it affects everyone differently! I have heard mostly that it isn't as hard and difficult as is expected, so I am hoping for the best in my situation. Somdays it still feels like a dream in some ways...... time passes from the last procedure and normal sort of stes in again and even though it never completely leaves my mind, I sometimes feel like I am living a normal day! But the truth is never far away and then I come back to the cancer world and what's coming. It's only possible for me to live day to day, my mind cannot handle going to far past today, so I stay with today and I'm ok with that! Very zen!

July 11, 2009

Today, I decided to start writing about my journey with breast cancer. I call it a journey because for me it's not so much about having cancer in my body as it is about what is this blessing in my life and what do I get to learn and take from this year of my life that is going to breast cancer.

I have moment's during this journey, as it feels, to me that I want to share. I know the cancer word is a scary one and I've been through the scary part of hearing myself and the word cancer in the same sentence..... Now I am at the part where it's gone from fear to a journey.... If I couldn't make it into a journey then it would be alone, just cancer, and that isn't who I am. I came here to learn about myself, to grow as a human and to expand my heart.... and that is exactly what is happening to me now. I am not the same person I was 3 months ago and for that I am grateful every single day!! I'm softer, more open hearted, quicker to forgive and also faster to tell the truth to myself and those around me.

I've ended friendships that don't serve my life and have been unhealthy in the past. I've taken a long look at myself and how I was treating me. I am taking a long look at my life and what fulfills me and the rest is going away. I can no longer spend my time doing what doesn't make me happy and doesn't serve to help others and fulfill my life. I can no longer waste my time on what doesn't matter to me. I've realized that time is a precious thing in my life and it goes to what feels good now, instead of what I have to do each day. I say no now to what I don't want to be doing and yes to people I want to be with! Everyday is a new adventure!

Having cancer is a hall pass to do just about anything! To look, to explore, to take the time to see what fits and get rid of the rest, without the daily pressures of regular life! I even got to have pink hair for a few months just because I wanted to! I don't have to give reasons anymore to others, only to myself! I only answer to me now!! Damn, that feels good!

My diagnosis came on april 2, 2009 after I felt a lump in my right breast. A mamogram confirmed stage 1 breast cancer, something I never thought would happen to me in a million years. I guess what women does?? I've always been healthy, not much more than the common cold. I was nervous, but never felt like I wasn't going to be ok. Tests confirmed it hadn't spread into the lymph area. A huge "Whew". But after an MRI, it was also confirmed that I aslo had cancer in my left breast as well. Bummer! Not the same kind, but again stage 1. Early detection on both accounts.

Lumpectomies on both sides were scheduled for May 18th. Until then I worked my job everyday waiting tables, trying to feel normal, to smile and have courage. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I would literally have to go to work and find a way to put a smile on my face and serve people, while in my head was the dreaded fact that I had cancer. That was a very long month and a half.

I look back now and am grateful for all the time in between to process the news of having cancer. So much of it is mental and emotional, not just the physical aspect. I cried and had meltdowns weekly. I had to let it all out and I did.... I felt a lifetime of emotions coming to the surface and pouring out and I let it be ok, finally! More to come....