Today, I feel a lot of anger because I hurt in my body! My port surgery went well, but I always think I will be back to normal the next day and I never am..... Geeze Jamie, it was surgery!! The 3rd in two months. My left upper chest is bruised and I now have two new incisions there. My body hurts from pain killers and anesthesia and from surgery. I am angry at certain people in my life for dropping me when I was diagnosed because they are "afraid" of breast cancer. Their fear is keeping them from being a part of my life and that hurts!! But the reality for me is that they weren't really there before this happened or they would still be here! There are the ones that want to come for a visit and dump on me their life Sh#t and I can't be the one to handle all of that right now. It's my job to handle my own stuff and my own life..... I am ruthless over who I will spend time with and if it seems like a dump day for someone I can't do it! I'm sorry for that! I havve to take care of me now....
I think I have such a good outlook on this whole picture and I do, but the truth is that I sometimes get pissed and angry! Like today! I don't like taking pain killers and I have a hard time when my body is in pain. I don't handle it well! I guess I better start finding ways to handle it because this is my life for the next 6 months.... right when I start feeling good another hit will come! How do I deal with this??
The good part is that this port will pay off in the long run and I won't have to go through IV's and needles. My veins won't collapse from the chemo..... Is this really my life today?? Somedays it still seems like a bad joke or a dream.... Today is one of those days! I know each day I will start feeling better and better and that's what I look forward to! Tomorrow is a new day and that I have to look forward to and now I will go burry my head into bed!
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