July 11, 2009

Today, I decided to start writing about my journey with breast cancer. I call it a journey because for me it's not so much about having cancer in my body as it is about what is this blessing in my life and what do I get to learn and take from this year of my life that is going to breast cancer.

I have moment's during this journey, as it feels, to me that I want to share. I know the cancer word is a scary one and I've been through the scary part of hearing myself and the word cancer in the same sentence..... Now I am at the part where it's gone from fear to a journey.... If I couldn't make it into a journey then it would be alone, just cancer, and that isn't who I am. I came here to learn about myself, to grow as a human and to expand my heart.... and that is exactly what is happening to me now. I am not the same person I was 3 months ago and for that I am grateful every single day!! I'm softer, more open hearted, quicker to forgive and also faster to tell the truth to myself and those around me.

I've ended friendships that don't serve my life and have been unhealthy in the past. I've taken a long look at myself and how I was treating me. I am taking a long look at my life and what fulfills me and the rest is going away. I can no longer spend my time doing what doesn't make me happy and doesn't serve to help others and fulfill my life. I can no longer waste my time on what doesn't matter to me. I've realized that time is a precious thing in my life and it goes to what feels good now, instead of what I have to do each day. I say no now to what I don't want to be doing and yes to people I want to be with! Everyday is a new adventure!

Having cancer is a hall pass to do just about anything! To look, to explore, to take the time to see what fits and get rid of the rest, without the daily pressures of regular life! I even got to have pink hair for a few months just because I wanted to! I don't have to give reasons anymore to others, only to myself! I only answer to me now!! Damn, that feels good!

My diagnosis came on april 2, 2009 after I felt a lump in my right breast. A mamogram confirmed stage 1 breast cancer, something I never thought would happen to me in a million years. I guess what women does?? I've always been healthy, not much more than the common cold. I was nervous, but never felt like I wasn't going to be ok. Tests confirmed it hadn't spread into the lymph area. A huge "Whew". But after an MRI, it was also confirmed that I aslo had cancer in my left breast as well. Bummer! Not the same kind, but again stage 1. Early detection on both accounts.

Lumpectomies on both sides were scheduled for May 18th. Until then I worked my job everyday waiting tables, trying to feel normal, to smile and have courage. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I would literally have to go to work and find a way to put a smile on my face and serve people, while in my head was the dreaded fact that I had cancer. That was a very long month and a half.

I look back now and am grateful for all the time in between to process the news of having cancer. So much of it is mental and emotional, not just the physical aspect. I cried and had meltdowns weekly. I had to let it all out and I did.... I felt a lifetime of emotions coming to the surface and pouring out and I let it be ok, finally! More to come....