Dec 31, 2009 The last day of the year....

As I think back on this last year, I reflect on all that I have gone through and all that has happened......It's been a wild ride for sure. In some ways, it almost seems unreal, this last year, and in some ways it feels like the most real year of my life. I think of all that I am ready to let go of, and all that I am ready to open myself up to recieving for 2010. I am ready to let go of fear....the fear of having cancer again. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of failure. The fear of not living my dreams and the fear of living them too! We all live with so much fear almost on a daily basis and I don't want to live that life. I am ready to let go of judgement. Judgement of myself and judgement of others. Judgement of whether I am doing the right thing in this moment. Judgement of my body and what I think it SHOULD look like right now. Judgement of my emotions and how I am SUPPOST to feel right now. I let go of judgement of how others as well.

I am ready for a shift in awareness and a shift in living. I am ready to be healthy and to act healthier in my decisions and choices. I am ready to let love in, for myself, for others, and to be loved as well! I am ready to allow my finances to be healthy, my work to be fulfilling, and my life to hold meaning. I am ready to value myself and my decisions and know I have the freedom to be who I really am....and who I am is wonderful and perfect The freedom to inspire myself and others....and to also be inspired by those around me. This year, I allow myself to be fully human and to allow others that gift as well. I allow myself to cry without pride, to laugh without worry, and to empathize without fear.

This is a whole new year, a whole new adventure, a whole new opening and stretching. Welcome 2010!! So glad to meet you!

Dec 8, 2009

As this year is coming quickly to a close, I am reminded of so much good that is a part of my life. I realize easily that I have so much while others around the world have so little, and for that I feel very blessed. This year has been one of the biggest gifts of my life. I've learned and remembered much. Whithout going through breast cancer I wonder where I would be standing today. What kind of a person would I be.....what decisions would I be making differently? I am making better decisions today and that's priceless for me. I am seeing my life differently and moving forward with things that are important to me and that also is most valuable. Today, I am grateful for so much! I hope we can all remember how much good we have in our lives the next time we start to complaint about something that we aren't happy over.....let's take a moment and look at the good we have all around us! Let's let go of the small stuff that only takes our energy away and let's remember to have gratitude for all the wonder and magic that our lives give us everyday!!!

Dec 6, 2009

Seems like there would be a feeling of elation at the end of cancer treatments, not sure that was what I was feeling or am now. I think to think there is an end to cancer is a myth. I felt like I would be done with cancer after my radiation ended, but now I realize that there is not "end" really to cancer. Now my mind is caught up with "is this the end, or am I going to go through this again sometime in my life?" I've had an extremely hard time taking the tamoxifen drug that I am supposed to be on for the next 5 years. This is a drug that stops my body from producing estrogen, therefore keeping me from having cancer again, since my cancer was an estrogen positive cancer. I started having signs of menopause, and let me tell you how crazy that was. I've since stopped taking the drug, to now be plagued with thoughts of reoccurring cancer. I couldn't sleep at night, started having hot flashes, felt like an emotional monster.... were just a few among the fun filled moments.

I had an amazing year and in some ways miss the love and support that felt while going through cancer. I miss my freedom and yearn for the days that my time was my own. I am back to my normal life and have quickly realized that I was not happy doing what I have been doing for so many years. I know that my spirit needs to be the guiding source in my life. I dreamof going back to feeling that feeling of knowing that I am taken care of, that there is nothing for me to worry about ever. Now having felt life moving in that carefree way, I am determined to have it again and to let go of trying to make life what I think it should be. I have to surrender and allow source to take care of me again and to follow my heart and let go of what my mind is telling me.

This is the only way for me to live my life. I have some ideas for a business that I want to pursue and going back to school next month, both give me energy to move forward. I look forward to a day very soon that I can, with love, say good-bye to what is the focus on my life right at this moment. I see that I am no longer the Jamie that I was 8-9 months ago and I am living a life of magic. A life that few people can really understand or process. I'm OK with that. I am a very different and unique person and I came here to this experience knowing that and actually choosing that for myself. So, with that knowledge I get to do life in different ways....with magic!!

Today, my reminder is "Live Magically". Let magic happen!

Nov 10, 2009

It's been some time since I've been on here. Alot has happened in this last month. I finished radiation almost 2 weeks ago and am thrilled to be done with that part of this journey. My skin became very bad and it's hard to explain to other's how that felt or even what it looked like. This was a proccess that I did on my own, everyday, 5 days a weeks. I went everyday to the Machine, the radiation machine. I stripped down from the waist up and layed there while getting what is similiar to an x-ray on both of my breast, my ches and including both armpits. My skin at first just looked like a sunburn, but by the end of the 5 week it started turning black and became very painful. At the end of the 6th week, I started blistering in specific areas...under both armpits and under each breast. It became very painful and I opted to go back on pain pills. Sleeping and movement was horrible and became more than just an annoyance, it really hurt.

I've never been a pill advoate in any part of my life, up until cancer. My first biopsy, I tried it without any medication other than the numbing shot in the breast. I learned very quickly what a HUGE mistake that was.....The second time, I went with the maximun amount that I could have and it was much, much better. I've decided that there is a place and situation for medication on a temporary basis......It's when it's used to cover up issues not being dealt with that I'm not in allignment with. But sitting in pain day in and day out affected every aspect of my life.

One of the biggest thing that I learned from this proccess is that we NEVER know how we will feel, act or decide until we are in a situation. We have no place to offer judgement on others and what they are going through....we cannot know until we have gone through that ourselves. We have to let others decide for themselve and do what they need to do for follow their own journey. We can only do what is right for ourselves and move forward in those decisions.

I've also come to learn that when it come to the people in our lives it's about actions not words. And that has brought me to my own words and are they in allignment with my actions. I've worked very hard to make them both match. It's really hard for me to be around someone whose words never match their actions. I've changed a lot of friendships during this proccess and have met some wonderful people and friends.

Coming to the end of this journey, or rather the begining of another journey, came with alot of unexpected emotions. I thought I would feel this euphoria of joy on my last day of radiation and ready to go out and celebrate and what I felt was entirely different than that. I felt like I had hit a brick wall driving 89 mph. And I felt very lost....Now What???? Well, transition is often not what we think it will be, nor do we feel how we thought we would feel, but now I can say I'm getting my mojo back and looking forward to what is next. I know for sure that school is next in Jan. and until then, I guess I get to sit back and enjoy the time I have without having cancer and without daily hospital visits and without the worry of "am I going to be ok?" Because Now I know for sure that I am ok and I will continue to be ok and even more than ok, MAGNIFICIENT!!! Thanks for following along.......Peace and Love!

Jamie Lish

Oct 11, 2009

I've given my life a lot of thought today, well everyday really, some days just more than others. I am going into my 5th week of radiation and my side effects are starting to become more apparent.. My skin is horrible and I am afraid that I will have scarring! My chest is red, bumpy and inflamed along with both breasts. The only upside to radiation, beside keeping cancer away, is no armpit hair growth!!! Haven't had to shave in over a week and not a single hair in sight!! So nice....Now that's gotta be worth a hundred grand!!! Seems 6 1/2 weeks of radiation runs about that much these days!! Whew!! Worth saving my life if you ask me!

I am noticabley tired a lot of the time. But, I only have to endure another 2 1/2 weeks and then I am on to better things....like what, I'm not entirely sure, but good things. This week I got a call to live in a house and only pay utilities. The house is huge and it's a great situation for me right now. I have a back yard with a duck pond and several ducks and geese live there....Probable not the geese as they are just passing through. Jack loves all beings in life and he is very content to just watch them.....not many dogs could do that when they are about 10 feet away from him. He is an angel!!

I feel good overall. I have to say that I am doing far better than I had anticipated doing with radiation. My energy is usually decent and I feel fine in the big picture. I am quit excited to get to bed tonight, so I will write more later. I'm going to bed to dreams about the possibilities of my future!! So much to dream about!!! I hope people remember to dream each day....sometimes we get caught up in life and forget to think about what we really want for ourselves and then we get stuck in the same spot forgetting the possibilities that are just waiting for us to become aware of, so they can manifest into our lives!! I've had an incredible 6 months on manifesting everything that I have needed during this time....It's truly been such an amazing time in that way.

I am a better person for going through this experience!! I am grateful for that!

Sept 29, 2009

I haven't been in here for awhile.... Had so much on my plate. Had my LAST surgery and then spent a lot of time recovering and just doing nothing. I've decided that it feels good for awhile to do nothing, but then my body starts to hurt from no movement! It's better for me to keep moving and to be active....and it's good fo rmy mind too! Too much time is bad for the brain....or at least my brain~!

So I'm into my 3rd week of radiation and I'm am feeling very lobster-esque. My entire chest is bright red and full of heat. Since I had cancer on both sides I am getting a double whammy of radiation. It's a very simple proccess while it's happening, (exactly like an x-ray) but afterwards the reddness is epic. Plus, now it's not going away and I'm told will take months to return to normal....

Other than that, my life is somewhat normal. I'm not back to work yet, but thinking I could go back one day a week...I need the stimulation and the company!!!

Not much else to say....haven't felt entirely inspired. I think I've felt a letdown after all the waiting and wondering and now that I've arrived it's left me in a place of nothing else to wonder about right now......It's easier and yet not as gratifying as having to stay in a place of hope and trust!!! Going to bed now....Radiation adds a layer of tiredness that isn't relieved by napping or sleeping....it's bone tiredness! But going to try and sleep it off anyway!!

:)

Sept 22, 2009

Wow, today was a great day, but just got bombarded with a wave of tireness. It's my second week of radiation and I feel fine, but have these moments of just being tired. Going to have a nap!

BTW Addendum to Sept. 15, 2009

BTW, I don't believe that there is such a thing as a "small" surgery anymore..... they're all hard, invasive, tramatic and always leaves traces in the form of scars and pain on our bodies of that time that our minds don't remember....

but our bodies do!

Sept.. 15, 2009

Still not feeling up to life right now....I'm hoping it will be better each day. I feel run down, tired since last surgery. I am resting and trying to let it be ok, when feeling like I want it to be something else.....healthy, full of vibrant energy.

Being like the river and letting it run it's course, not fighting it, just being and going with it.....

Working on it each day! Not so easy when life wants to be lived and enjoyed. I guess thats the beauty of learning surrender....we don't have to make it be a certain way for things to be ok. It is what it is!

Sept 13, 2009 Sunday

Feeling poopy! Four surgeries in 4 months has taken it's toll on me. I am tired and not bouncing back as fast as I have before. At least it's my last one. I want to wake up feeling better tomorrow and better the day after that! I also start radiation tomorrow and then I am going to rest and get feeling healthier before that starts to take it's toll too!! Geeze! What a year!

I am going to bed now and setting that as my intention to wake up to! Good night!

Sept 8, 2009 Pre-surgery day.

I always get a case of the nerves before surgery, no matter how small it is. Tomorrow, I get my port taken out!! Can't wait for that! But, I am a very edgy person right now. I've had a lot of pain with it, because scar tissue has grown around it and someties when I move my left arm wrong, it will pull that tissue loose and cause it to tear, which in turn hurts like hell!!! It has really been hurting me and I will be very glad to not have an alien plastic part in my body anymore. Even more happy and grateful that I didn't need it in the first place. 4 surgeries now, when I could have had one and been done with that phase...... Don't even get me started on that!

Other than that, just living life day to day. It's hard to make plans for the future right now, but I at least know that I have the opportunity to at least make plans! That is thrilling, when I know so many wonderful, beautiful women never made it to that point when diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I am a lucky one and I am very aware of that priviledge. I've seen women in the Dr.'s offices that have had full mastectomies, or one breast removed and I think that what I've gone through is so far less than what these beautiful, strong women have gone through. To lose that part of us that is so female..... That part that we so identify ourselves with. That would be incredible hard for me. My respect and honor are very high for these couragous women!

I'll be back, to quote the Terminator, In a few days to write more, when I am over surgery!

xoxoxo

Sept 5, 2009

I always like to think of myself as always strong and tough, which most of the time I am. But today I am just down. It's a long proccess of getting to where I've gotten today, and today I'm just tired. I see light at the end of the tunnel, which is priceless. I see how far I've walked on this journey and I have to let myself have down days..... and today is one of them. I work hard to keep my spirit up and keep myself in a positive mental space, but today I just have to let myself lay around and rest and be grateful for all the good in my life and know that it's only temporary. Everyday is only temporary, not matter how I feel.....The good, the bad and the ugly!! And in the end, none of it is that serious anyway!!

So tomorrow, I may have more energy, I may not, but tomorrow I'll deal with how I feel then and only then, and today I'll deal with how I feel today. So zen, huh!? LOL!

Sept 2, 2009

Today I got some new tattoos...... Not the kind that most people get, but boob tattoos for radiation. For such a small freckle sized spot, they sure did hurt! This has been my week to think about my life from the end up to now. A few days ago, I thought, "when I'm 80 or 90 what will I look back on and regret not doing?". I don't think of regrets of things that I've done, I look at them from the things that I haven't done. Finishing school was the biggest one that came to me. I have somewhere around 70 credits and no degree. So, I applied to BSU and transfered everything here for Jan 2010.

The next thing that I thought I would regret was not having a child. Now, right now there isn't much I can do about that, but it was something to think about. I think I can work to inspire children and help them believe in themselves and that they are powerful and creative beings.

I want to live a wild and carefree life and not look back and know that I kept a job that I didn't love. I want to know that I didn't live on the sidelines looking in at the players playing the game. I want to be a player and play in the game, no more sidelines for me. I want to know that I lived and thought big! Life is too short to remain small and think of ourselves as small. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to travel and meet wonderful people everyday! I want to do things outside of the box and learn something new at every opportunity. I want to learn to tolerate others no matter their political or religous belief. I want to love unconditional, myself and others. I want to eat wonderful food and have moments that are remembered for a lifetime. I want to be who I truly am and not work so hard to impress others, especially those that don't mean so much to me. I want to love without fear. Dance like there's no tomorrow. I want to Feel the freedom that is a life without fear and it rooted only in love!! I want a meaningful life. To paint and write books and enjoy every single day for the gift that it truly is!!

This only a glimpse of the magical and wonderous life that I am living and to quote Oprah, "living your best life". What else can there really be anyway???

Sept. 2, 2009

Wow! So much time passes so quickly! It's already Sept., almost Labor Day weekend. I have news about my Oncotype DX test, which is basically a test putting me in a low, mediun, or high catagory for reoccurance of breast cancer! Well, I am thrilled and pleased to say that I came back in the low catagory, which also means that chemotherapy will not benefit me!! Couldn't be happier about this news!!! So, tomorrow I meet with my radiologist and get set up for starting radiation. Once again, I am so blessed. I have more to tell, but I'll be back shortly. That is the big news for now..... take care!!

August 27, 2009

If you can actually believe it, I am still on hold! Or still waiting for test results.....love the technology, but hate the waiting....So to fill my time I have been having a wonderful time! I have seen music the last 2 nights and am going again tonight to see the Mother Hips. Xavier Rudd was on Tuesday and it was one of the best nights I've had in a long time. I danced till I was sweaty and tired!! He touched my hand too! So exciting. Not much new on the cancer channel. I am officially cancer free, which is a huge blessing! I've made a list of what I want next in life and the goals that I have set for myself. It feels good to be creating with intention. I know we are always creating, but sometimes not exactly what we want. I think the world is indeed my oyster and I'm about to crack it open!! Life is a mystery and I never know from day to day what to expect, but I do know that I have the power to decide how to handle what comes up, and today I choose to make it an amazing day and to be happy!

Now, Universe how about a hot, wonderful man!! Til next time....

Full of hope....

Still waiting! I'm hoping today is the day! I have not much to say about anything right now. Just want to know what's next! Still full of hope.....

August 18, 2009

Still in wait mode. But at least having some fun in the meantime..... Learning to be in the moment and not go too far in the future. Some days it's easy and some days not so much. I would like to see some light at the end of the tunnel..... but right now it feels a ways off! SO today, I enjoy today and do as much as I can that feels good. I see friends and I make sure that I connect with those that I love. Really, everyday is a gift. I used to hear that and agree, now I hear that and I know that I'm living it. So important!

Tomorrow is a new day, with new people, new experiences. SO glad that I've had this kick in the bottom to wake me up and give a reminder that life is meant to be lived, not watched on the sidelines hoping to get int the game soon. I've lived most of my life that way.... thanks God, I get to do things different now! I think of that movie "The Yes Man" and I was that guy, except Im a girl. I constantly said no to everything, now I am the Yes Girl!!! Today I spent time with my pretend bf, John, had sushi, went to happy hour, painted, had lunch with my beautiful friend Chris and shopped with my sis Nettie. All in all a good day!! I loved today and I love! Thank you!

Well, life is funny!! Take someone like me with no patience to begin with and put their life on hold and make them wait for 5 months to see what's next!! Welcome to my world!! I'm still in limbo waiting to get a test result back that will tell me if I will honestly benefit from chemo. It's a mear $3,400.00 test. My new Doc got it aid for by insurance..... bless him!!!! I fall into a special catagory that makes it unclear if chemo will add any advantage to my situation! Honestly, I hope that it shows it wouldn't be of benefit! I'm ready to hit radiation and get back to my life!! Whatever that will be next....

I will have answers late this week or early next week! As of today, I know that I am on borrowed time for fun and summer...... so everyday I keep living and enjoying my free time, knowing that at some point it will come to an end. Today I took Jack for a walk, swam at the Y with Mary, who helps me with movement and restoring arm flexibility, got a message, got my eyes checked, came home and read. Liife is good while I am on this journey! I am allowing everyday to be what it is and I gowith the flow. A good reminder for me that life has a mind of it's own and we can go with it or fight it! I'm in the flow and it's going well!! xoxoxo Jamie

August 9, 2009

It's been awhile since I've written, been busy and without a computer! But, so much has happened, so many miracles and blessings!! I switched oncologists at the last minute before starting chemo and am SOOOOOO glad that I did. He talked to me like a human, listened and took into consideration what is important to me. He suggested we try to get insurance to pay for a genetic DNA test that isn't usually paid for by insurance companies. Luckily he got me approved!! The test will put me into 1 of 3 catagories.... a low, medium or high risk catagory for return of cancer. It's a two week turn around time for the test to come back, but right now I'm believing in miracles and am hoping for the low risk catagory! If so, no chemo!! Just like Christmas, only better!!

I've still yet to understand the burden of cancer. For me it's been so much growth and learning and I know today that I will not go back to the way I was or wasn't living my life before all this happened! I live each day the best that I can! I enjoy each moment as much as possible!! I look forward to tomorrow and the goodness that it will bring! I love people more! I feel inspired everyday by those in my life and I hope I inspire those around me too!

Getting used to waiting.... sometime in the next two weeks, I will know if I really have to go through chemo and my hope is that I won't!! I've gotten what I have needed to get and learn from this experience and now I'm ready to move onto the next road. XOXOXO!

July 24, 2009 Shopping for Pink!!

Today, my awesome sister took me shopping for pink! A Pink dress for the benefit on Sunday! We had such an awesome time as sisters and I loved every minute of it! I will be very pink on Sunday! I have had a few days to proccess my pain and am in a better space. It helps that my body is also starting to feel better... my emotions and my physical health are very connected.

I read the other day a paragraph written by a women who had gone through cancer and she said there are two roads to take when someone goes through this journey, the first is the road to becoming a better person, to creating a better life, to doing better in life. The second is the road to bitterness. I know that in the begining I chose the first road and I may not always do things right, but I am willing to become better, to work through old emotions, old hurts, old habits. I am willing to get up each day and make the intention to become a better person, to be genuine and honest with my words and actions! I know that sometimes when I tell the truth I am not always as soft as I could be, but I am doing it the best way that I can right now, but I know that I am always willing to do it better and become better...... which is also to say that I am still human.

Somedays I am a little hard on myself for letting myself be angry! But anger is part of being human and without these emotions to tell us where we are in life, we would be robots, feeling nothing and never growing. I know I came here to grow, to learn, to expand and that is a huge part of what this cancer journey is all about! It's also about celebrating life everyday and seeing each moment as a gift. I have a much bigger zest for life than I did before and I am enjoying each day instead of taking it for granted and not making much of it!!

Overall, I am proud of myself for where I am in my life. For my past and for where it has brought me today! I hope to inspire others, but sometimes other's inpsire me, it's a give and take deal! Glad to be a part of it!!!

Post port surgery July 21-2009

Today, I feel a lot of anger because I hurt in my body! My port surgery went well, but I always think I will be back to normal the next day and I never am..... Geeze Jamie, it was surgery!! The 3rd in two months. My left upper chest is bruised and I now have two new incisions there. My body hurts from pain killers and anesthesia and from surgery. I am angry at certain people in my life for dropping me when I was diagnosed because they are "afraid" of breast cancer. Their fear is keeping them from being a part of my life and that hurts!! But the reality for me is that they weren't really there before this happened or they would still be here! There are the ones that want to come for a visit and dump on me their life Sh#t and I can't be the one to handle all of that right now. It's my job to handle my own stuff and my own life..... I am ruthless over who I will spend time with and if it seems like a dump day for someone I can't do it! I'm sorry for that! I havve to take care of me now....

I think I have such a good outlook on this whole picture and I do, but the truth is that I sometimes get pissed and angry! Like today! I don't like taking pain killers and I have a hard time when my body is in pain. I don't handle it well! I guess I better start finding ways to handle it because this is my life for the next 6 months.... right when I start feeling good another hit will come! How do I deal with this??

The good part is that this port will pay off in the long run and I won't have to go through IV's and needles. My veins won't collapse from the chemo..... Is this really my life today?? Somedays it still seems like a bad joke or a dream.... Today is one of those days! I know each day I will start feeling better and better and that's what I look forward to! Tomorrow is a new day and that I have to look forward to and now I will go burry my head into bed!

Port surgery July 20-2009

Going to the hopsital for my port surgery! Never that much fun, except most of the hospital people are the best!! I hope I get the same gal who has done my IV's before, she rocks!! She's ususally there on Mondays! I'll come home with a new "bump" in my chest..... It will be interesting, but will make life with needles so much better and easier.

Happy Monday all!

July 19th- 2009

Hi all! Just got back from jackson and am longing for the cool temps and cold nights!! Came home to the house being over 100, forgot to set the air! I had a fabulous time in Jackson and saw my very wonderful friends Vic and Chrissy, and a few others too. We had amazing food every night and fun drinks! It's seemingly my last hurrah before things get more serious, with the exception of the benefit next Sunday. Hope your all coming, it's going to be a blast!! That will be my last realy hurrah!

It's magical to be in the Tetons, I forget their magestic and mysterious power. I lived there for a very quick 9 months, but for the most part loved it. The extreme weather makes it hard to live there.... people adjust I guess! I did! It was important for me to spend time with people that I love so much. My friends Vic and Chrissy are the best in the world! I'm getting more and more ruthless with prioritizing who I spend time with. I will not give my time or energy to people I don't want to be with anymore. I've done it my whole life and now it's all different. Not one moment spent with someone I don't enjoy is ever worth it. I have learned how to say NO. It's cool!!

A couple of years ago I thought I had made my mantra "If it doesn't feel good, don't do it" but I found that I was still doing it, with work, with money, with my thougts, with people and with family. But now that I look back I realize I wasn't walking my talk.... I was just talking. But now I know I am walking my talk!! And it feels amazing and powerful! I am in the best space that I have ever been with myself and it's because I am having the wake-up call of a lifetime. Now, there is no question about doing things that I don't want to do anymore, it's no longer an option!! I love it!! Today, I am doing nothing that requires a schedule, maybe a trip to Fred Meyer and that's it!! I get to rest and be with me!!

Enjoy your Sunday! Remember life really is short! Live, laugh and have a blast while you can and don't spend time with people you really don't want to be with! It doesn't serve you or them! xoxox

Going to the Tetons!

Yea, tomorrow I am leaving for The Tetons for some camping and a mental break before the interesting stuff starts!!! I can't wait. I am visiting good friends and doing some camping. Just the mountain air, Jack and myself. Enjoy your weekend everyone!!

Thank God it's Friday! july 15th

Well, it's finally my Friday and what that means for me is this is the last day that I work at my job waiting tables. I relied on the restaraunt business for over 20 years and now I know that I am done. I have only worked about 5 shifts since my first surgery in mid May. Yesterday, I knew it was my last week. I didn't realize how unfulfilled I am at my work, and work without happiness or fulfillment is a HUGE taker of energy. I hopefully get to do some work with kids going through cancer this fall at the YMCA and that makes my heart do flipflops! I know and have been told many times even before cancer, that I would be good doing work like that!

I just know the end when it's here and with waiting tables, it's here!! I'm glad I've had that skill to rely on from time to time, but now I want more!

Tomorrow, I'm going to The Tetons for a short break before I start chemo at the end of this month. I feel like I'm trying to fit a whole summer into 1 month before treatments start. I know it's about the journey not the destination, really I do.... But Iwant to do things when I feel good and I have no ideea how I am going to feel later. Anyway, off to work! Have a beautiful day!!! Everyday is a choice to make it a good one, I choose tomake it awesome!!

Good news on the chemo channel!

Today I visited my oncologist for about the 4th time in the last 3 weeks..... I have many questions! As my normal curious self!! 3 months worth of chemo, but only 4 treatments!! I'm so thrilled, I'm beside myself!! From start to 4th treatment, only 9 weeks! With a month off and then 6 weeks of radiation! I may be done with this by Jan 1st! Hello 2010!!

I'm off to bed, tired from a long day, but a good one! I get to make everyday incredible now! And today was....It's not always about "big" moments but making every moment BIG! And I do think it's always a choice.... to be fully awake or somewhat asleep! Today I choose to be fully awake, to speak my truth, to stay in my power and to honor myself and those around me! Today I choose to keep my eyes and my heart open! To expand my mind and see that there isn't much right or wrong in people just different! That every moment is a new experience and a new chance to make a change if we don't like what we are, or what we see. I have to say I see everyday that I am the luckiest person I know right now! It rocks to be me!!

July 13, 2009 Monday!

Well, it's Monday, and I'm tired today. Not sure why, I'm in between surgery and starting chemo. I have felt good physically and grounded emotionally. Today I'm taking my great nieces to the river with Jack my dog. Then to the YMCA to work in the pool and then off to the Oncologist. I'm not awake yet.... Taking Xanex to sleep and I don't always wake up alert. I've never been a pill person, but I am now if it helps me sleep, sometimes you gotta do what you need to do.... Going without sleep is a recipe for a meltdown....emotions pile up and then blow! Gotta take Jack for a walk or he'll have a meltdown!!

Summertime

Today is July 12, 2009

Sunday is my day to no schedule anything and just have time to myself. After my first surgery I was in horror to see myself and the scars on my breasts.... It was not apretty picture by a long shot. Two moe scars under each armpit added to the dread of being single and thinking about being seen like this. At this time things have healed much better than I ever thought they would, but still there. As my beautiful friend Trina says, "scars are the story of your life" they tell you who you are and where you've been. I see it that way now. Thanks Trin-trin!!

The news was almost good with a little bad and that was that no cancer in the lymph area, but the right side did not meet the margins, meaning they didn't get it all and had to redo that side.... so another month goes by and another surgery. Today is almost a month after that 2nd surgery and the margins were good! At the end of July I will start chemo and am nervous and not at all sure what to expect. Everyone handles it their own way and it affects everyone differently! I have heard mostly that it isn't as hard and difficult as is expected, so I am hoping for the best in my situation. Somdays it still feels like a dream in some ways...... time passes from the last procedure and normal sort of stes in again and even though it never completely leaves my mind, I sometimes feel like I am living a normal day! But the truth is never far away and then I come back to the cancer world and what's coming. It's only possible for me to live day to day, my mind cannot handle going to far past today, so I stay with today and I'm ok with that! Very zen!

July 11, 2009

Today, I decided to start writing about my journey with breast cancer. I call it a journey because for me it's not so much about having cancer in my body as it is about what is this blessing in my life and what do I get to learn and take from this year of my life that is going to breast cancer.

I have moment's during this journey, as it feels, to me that I want to share. I know the cancer word is a scary one and I've been through the scary part of hearing myself and the word cancer in the same sentence..... Now I am at the part where it's gone from fear to a journey.... If I couldn't make it into a journey then it would be alone, just cancer, and that isn't who I am. I came here to learn about myself, to grow as a human and to expand my heart.... and that is exactly what is happening to me now. I am not the same person I was 3 months ago and for that I am grateful every single day!! I'm softer, more open hearted, quicker to forgive and also faster to tell the truth to myself and those around me.

I've ended friendships that don't serve my life and have been unhealthy in the past. I've taken a long look at myself and how I was treating me. I am taking a long look at my life and what fulfills me and the rest is going away. I can no longer spend my time doing what doesn't make me happy and doesn't serve to help others and fulfill my life. I can no longer waste my time on what doesn't matter to me. I've realized that time is a precious thing in my life and it goes to what feels good now, instead of what I have to do each day. I say no now to what I don't want to be doing and yes to people I want to be with! Everyday is a new adventure!

Having cancer is a hall pass to do just about anything! To look, to explore, to take the time to see what fits and get rid of the rest, without the daily pressures of regular life! I even got to have pink hair for a few months just because I wanted to! I don't have to give reasons anymore to others, only to myself! I only answer to me now!! Damn, that feels good!

My diagnosis came on april 2, 2009 after I felt a lump in my right breast. A mamogram confirmed stage 1 breast cancer, something I never thought would happen to me in a million years. I guess what women does?? I've always been healthy, not much more than the common cold. I was nervous, but never felt like I wasn't going to be ok. Tests confirmed it hadn't spread into the lymph area. A huge "Whew". But after an MRI, it was also confirmed that I aslo had cancer in my left breast as well. Bummer! Not the same kind, but again stage 1. Early detection on both accounts.

Lumpectomies on both sides were scheduled for May 18th. Until then I worked my job everyday waiting tables, trying to feel normal, to smile and have courage. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I would literally have to go to work and find a way to put a smile on my face and serve people, while in my head was the dreaded fact that I had cancer. That was a very long month and a half.

I look back now and am grateful for all the time in between to process the news of having cancer. So much of it is mental and emotional, not just the physical aspect. I cried and had meltdowns weekly. I had to let it all out and I did.... I felt a lifetime of emotions coming to the surface and pouring out and I let it be ok, finally! More to come....